Parents paying for hotel room for adult son?

My SIL (husband's brother's wife) invited my husband and I up for a weekend and visit a few wineries in the area. It's a 4 hour drive for us, and we're stopping to pick up my in-laws on the way so they can watch our 2 little nieces while the four of us go for an overnight.





At first, I thought this was a great idea, but now I am having real issues with it. 3 weeks after she asked, my SIL called to say she checked hotel prices and they couldn't afford to go. (She wants to stay in a very fancy resort - rooms start at $175 and that's a fold out bed). I guess she also told my MIL, because a day later, I got another call from SIL saying my ILs were paying for their room %26amp; the trip was back on. My MIL called us and said they'd pay for our room too, which neither my husband nor I agree with. We're in our 30s and feel we should pay for our own hotel rooms. But she didn't want us to say anything to BIL because it would make them feel bad. I just don't know what to do or say!Parents paying for hotel room for adult son?
What I don't get is, why did she book the trip in the first place if she didn't have money for the hotel? That makes no sense. I agree with you. It almost sounds like she is taking advantage.Parents paying for hotel room for adult son?
First off, I would usggest that you do NOT bring this up with your husband or any of your Inlaws, the last thing you want to do is to be seen as butting into ';family business';





It is kind of a parental instinct to want to provide your your children, even if they are grown. I'm 35, married and on my own, my parents still shop like I live with them and insist on sending food my way because they don't trust me to shop for myself.





As far as your Inlaws feel, it is a win-win situation. Your BIL and SIL get to go on the trip and your Inlaws get to spend time with their grandchildren (which ALL grandparents love to do). They seem willing to come out of pocket to do it.





I wouldn't raise any issue unless your Inlaws were financially strapped and paying for the hotel would put a hurting on them. If they are willing to pay for it, I would let is pass.
Well, since it is all planned, so go and enjoy.





But take some nice gifts for them and mantion that it was a wonderful gesture but also emphasise that you had a tough time making a decision whether to come or not. Explain the thoughts that passed you mond. I am sure that they will appreciate your self independence. Also mention that this was a tough decision to come and you might not be able to persuade yourself again for the same.





But make sure that they understand that you appreciate the wonderful gesture!
No one's perfect and it is best just to let people do their own thing.I don't think it's right either and I commend you for not accepting the gift of a hotel room.You must know that you were offered the room because the parents want to be fair.





Alot of times I find I get upset about something only to find there was a missing detail of importance I didn't know about and understand later.





Be concerned and ask if there is anything more they need and if they are going through a hard time be there.Even responsible, well to do people have difficult times.
Calebs explanation is good. Just treat your ILs good and dont worry how they treat others (well or not). It is tantamount to jealousy. If I were you, just accept graciously and thank them. Give them a treat in return next time. This is the way family should run. Its better than most families who are really calculative and hardly contact at all. To the extent of cousins who have never met. Thats pathetic. Lets put it this way, if your ILs cant afford, they wouldnt have given you the treat. There are many ways you can return that generousity. It would make a great happy family. The old tradditional goodness is back. Dont let this little thingy cloud your holiday. Mothers and Fathers Day is coming. You know what to do in return. Cheers.
Well That be a great gift But i understand what your are saying there making decent amount of money but yes still they want his mom and dad to pay for it . But maybe the son is use to it and the daughter and in law is taking advantage of the whole thing.
Go, let them pay and enjoy yourself.


Why should you care if sis is a deadbeat? Save your pennies for a rainy day because you can already see where your inheritance is going.


You need a rest from all the stress anyway.
I agree with you don't plan a trip if you can not afford to go or stay in lesser accommodations





but the trip is planned and the the parents are fitting the bill





I say go with the trip as planned keep quiet about the room





go with an open mind and have fun





I wouldn't plan any future trips with them
Go on the trip. Don't mention the money situation to the BIL/SIL. Decline the ILs' offer to pay for your room. If they absolutely insist, accept the offer, and do something nice for them in the future.
Don't discuss the financial arrangements with the SIL, it can only cause bad feelings. Discuss it with the MIL, and you can politely say, ';no thanks, that is so generous, we can pay, we are just so happy to get to spend time with our family.';


MIL probably felt she had to offer to pay your way, to avoid hard feelings from you, she might think that you would feel that she is playing favorites. . It might be a relief for her, if you turn her down, nicely. Decide what to do in advance, in case she insists.


If SIL has anything to say about your financial situation, or arrangement with MIL, say the same thing, it doesn't matter, we just want to spend the time with you.
They offered to pay for you and your husbands' room too. You turned them down. I say you can't say anything about that one.





Having said that...


Now as for taking money form your parents when you're an adult, I do disagree with it and generally don't do it. IMO the kids at that point should be trying to look out for the parents. It is sometimes hard not to say something to people you feel are taking advange, especially when they are siblings. The only time when it is really appropriate to say something is if they demand money from the parents, it is excessive (paying house payments and giving hundreds of dollars in allowance money*), or the parents are going under trying to support them.





*I know a situation like this, but they aren't family, so I stay out of it and keep my opinion to myself.





If I am in the financial position years down the road when the kids grow up, I will try and continue to do things for my kids as long as I'm able. I'd offer to pay for a trip together, offer to pay for a meal together, etc. I don't see anything wrong with this now and then or as often as I am able. I only have a problem when it becomes more like supporting them and they rely on me rather than make the effort to get a job, etc.





On the other side of things again, it is tacky if your SIL and her husband are always talking about how much money they don't have, but insist on trying to spend lots of money, go out all the time, talk to the parents about how little money they have , etc. I don't know that that is something you should point out unless your in laws confide in you and your husband that they feel pressured to do it and they don't want to. It is tacky, but your in laws are willing and seemingly eager participants.





So I guess you've got to sort out whether it is your in laws well being you're concerned about or your jealousy that your SIL is getting tons of stuff and you aren't. The first is legit and the second, you just have to get over even though it gets under your skin.
If your in-laws want to pay for the rooms, let them. They probably just want all the family to be together. Next time you go on a trip with your in-laws, pay for their room.
unless your parents-in-law are the type to lord it over you, relax and let them pay. keep the peace and enjoy the gift.





WOOFs (Well off old folks) sometimes enjoy treating the young'ns, even if the young'ns could pay for themselves.
You and I agree in our thinking of how things SHOULD be. However, you will just have to let it go and let your ILs do what they want. My parents were the same way. Anything for the siblings with children. I think people sometimes go nuts when they become grandparents.





If I were you and felt this way, I would not make any other plans with them. Your SIL is just like mine. She knows she can anything she wants from the ILs. There was never anything I could do about it either and these ILs were MY parents.





Good luck to you. This will go on forever.
I would just back out of the trip


let every one pay their own way


or stay in rooms they can afford period.





if you don't feel comfortable with someone else


paying for the inlaws just say something





or think nothing of itl
Your in-laws offered to pay for your room, and you declined, right? So that is where it ends! Who cares whether they paid for the other room! This is something you don't even need to waste the brainpower thinking about. Do a crossword puzzle instead.
it's your in law's choice to give them money. If they accept it really is nothing for you to worry about. If they feel ok about it and you feel ok about declining then why make such a big deal? You seem to be the only one that it is bothering. You can't make other people do things that you think they should do. It's their decision so let them off
They made this your business by telling you about the issue. It sounds like your in-laws want you to validate their decisions by taking their money. Don't do it. I respect your position not to take their money and you should take pride in it. I would feel the same way.





If they push you on this then tell them that you don't want to have anything to do with it... its not like their having a problem paying the electric bill. HOWEVER, telling you about it (and trying to include you in it) prevents you from doing just that.





Tell them that in the future that they need to keep these things between themselves or else you are going to tell them exactly what you think. DON'T tell them what you think about this situation now. Just simply get the message across that you don't like being included... and that you define included as simply knowing about it. Save the specifics for the next situation.





In fact, I'll bet they already know what they did wrong and if you spelled it out for them you would only be giving them an opportunity to argue. Being coy has its virtue. With any luck they'll get the message and keep these things to themselves in the future.





Good luck.
Its a gift


Be generous and accept it





How nice
It's up to your in-laws if they want to support your BIL and SIL. I don't agree with it, but it's their money so there's not much you can do.





My husband's sister and her husband lived with his parents rent-free for a year or so both before and after they got married. His parents thought it was nice to be able to ';help the kids.'; My reaction - they aren't kids. They fed, clothed, and housed them for about 2 years total. They both have jobs, and if they could curb their spending/credit card habits they'd be able to support themselves just fine. His parents were enabling them to continue to be irresponsible and keeping them from really growing up. But - it's their money, and if they want to use it to support their grown son and his wife, no one can tell them not to.





I wouldn't take money from the ILs if I were you. It may make them feel better about catering to one child if they do the same for both, but it obviously makes you uncomfortable. I don't think they are doing your BIL any favors by helping him pay for something which is obviously not a necessity. If they came on hard times, and needed groceries, that'd be one thing, but a $175/night resort is not a necessity. If they can't afford it, they shouldn't go.





Maybe you can encourage your SIL to find a cheaper hotel, or change or put off the trip until such time as they can afford it. If it makes you feel that uncomfortable, call them and explain that you don't want the plans to put them under any financial stress, and you'd love to come visit but cut out the overnight trip. I understand where you're coming from, and I'd be uncomfortable too.
You may refuse the money from mom and dad. If mom and dad pay for someone else it is none of your business and they shouldn't have told you. You should pretend not to know. Mom and Dad might think paying for both couples is the only ';fair'; thing to do since everyone knows all their friggin business anyway.